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So behindthec posted Chapter 13 and pretty much killed us all.

I got to the end of the chapter and got this really strong mental image in my head. I told it to him and he told me if wrote the scene and posted it to the support group I would be loved forever.

So I listened.

Title: don't you go down
Author: piper47
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: Inspired by the events of Chapter 13 of PWF. Read that before reading this or it won't make much sense. Dedicated to behindthec for writing such an amazing story for all of us. Even if we want to kill him for where he left us off. Colin, you're killing me. ;)

Spencer doesn't know how much time has past. There's not much he knows of anymore; just that Jon is gone. And he is completely alone.

He screams for hours, but all that gets him is a lashing from them and a hoarse throat.

So he stops. He stops everything.

They still bring him food, but Spencer doesn't move from the corner of the room he's crawled himself into. There's water too. They keep bringing him fresh water that goes completely untouched.

Sometimes they poke at him with a spear and it hurts more than it should, but Spencer still doesn't move and definitely doesn't eat. How can he eat when they've taken away the one thing that's going to keep him going?

It's probably been days, maybe it's been weeks. Spencer's completely forgotten about Ryan and Brendon. He vaguely knows they are still out there, but the only time Spencer even lets himself think about them, is to pray, to fucking pray, that they get off the island safe and sound. Even if it is over for him and Jon.

"It's not over."

Spencer opens his eyes and sees Jon looking down at him. Jon gives him that smile, the one that is reserved especially for him, and it makes Spencer shake and close his eyes.

"You're not real," Spencer whispers. When he opens his eyes again, Jon is gone.


Spencer's having a hard time keeping his eyes open. They came in and poked him earlier and Spencer's side is still sore. They dumped water on him and one tried to force him to eat a mango. Somewhere he managed to muster some form of strength and spit the fruit back out at them.

They dumped him on the ground after that and kicked dirt at him.

They leave the food though, and it's glaring at him.

"You need to eat something."

"Fuck off Jon." Spencer mutters and curls back into his corner. "You can't tell me what to do. You're not even here."

Jon's not here. It's just an illusion, a mirage that Spencer's brain is conjuring up. He wishes the image of Jon in front of him was comforting, but Spencer no longer wants to be comforted. All he wants to do is let go. The only thing he cares about anymore is that his body finally gives out and takes him away from all of this, because he's just done.

"You are not fucking done."

Jon looks angry and if he were real, Jon would be shaking him and forcing Spencer to look at him.

"You have to hang on for me, you hear that Spencer. You have to hang on."

"Why?" Spencer screams and it hurts to raise his voice so loud. "Why should I hang on? You're already gone. I have nothing left."

No one answers.


"You know, once when I was 18, I drunkenly made out with Bill."

Spencer would roll his eyes if he could find the energy. "I know that. You told me this story before."

Jon is sitting across from him playing with the fringe on his jeans. Spencer's gotten used to the imaginary!Jon that he's made up, but he wishes it would tell him more creative stories than the ones Spencer has heard a million times already on tour.

"How about-?"

"I know that too Jon," Spencer barks out. He's barely sleeping now. Every time he falls asleep, it's more him slipping into unconscious rather than actually sleeping. Spencer's never out very long before he wakes up with hunger pains, or them waking him up and demanding he eat. At least he thinks they are demanding he eats.

If Spencer were a little more cognitive he would be able to try to work out what some of their garbled words actually mean. Maybe learn how to communicate a bit. As of now, Spencer's lucky he still knows English and he's stopped caring about the rest anyway.

"Okay, why don't you tell me something then?" Jon asks.

There's so much. All the things Spencer always wanted to say to Jon over the years. From the first time they met, to the moment Jon was drug from this very room, there's a list of things Spencer needs to say to him.

"I-" Spencer starts, but then stalls. There's so much he needs to say and can't find the words to say them. All he can muster is, "I love you."

Jon smiles at him and Spencer can't stop himself from smiling back.


Jon's singing. Spencer thinks it is one of theirs but he's unsure.

"Come on, you have to sing Ryan's parts. I'm not singing both Brendon and Ryan's parts, that's not fair."

Spencer groans. Jon knows he doesn't sing, not even in concert. Spencer hates the sound of his singing voice no matter how much the other guys try to get him to sing-a-long with them. If he doesn't sing then, Spencer is definitely not going to sing now.

All he wants do go is close his eyes and go to sleep. Just sleep... sleep...

"Spencer! Come on, sing with me," Jon says and it wakes him right up. "I'll sing with you."

Spencer takes in a deep painful breath and whispers, "hey moon, don't you go down."


His body is shaking so badly it hurts. It hurts to breath, deep in his chest and against his lungs. Still though, he can't take in air fast enough and can't make himself stop shaking. If he wasn't so dehydrated he would be crying, but as it is, there's no tears to be shed. Just the shaking and convulsing of his weak body.

Spencer crouches over in the corner and vomits. There's nothing in his stomach to come up, but he heaves anyway. There's a taste of copper in the back of his throat and he swears he can feel Jon rubbing his back, trying to calm is failing body.

He doesn't want to be calmed though. Jon's gone, he's been gone, and Spencer wants to go with him.

"Jon, if you ever loved me," he chokes out and it's raspy, "you'll take me. Don't leave me here."

Spencer takes in a deep breath, lays down and closes his eyes.

He hopes it's for the last time.


( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 1st, 2008 12:34 am (UTC)
okay so basically this makes me want to DIE.

but also, it's so fucking intense and heartbreaking and i kind of want to steal bits of it for 14. ;)

when they started singing northern downpour, i almost cried, dude. fuck.

<3!!!!!! you are now loved forever. (as if you already weren't.)
Dec. 1st, 2008 12:58 am (UTC)
Yay!! I'm glad you liked it. I just feel *so* bad for Spencer right now, I'm so worried about him being alone in that place. Hopefully the real Jon will be back soon. I don't want Spencer to be alone.

And yes, steal bits for 14. You're the reason this exists anyway. And look how cool you are about people writing fic about your characters. Why can't more writers appreciate the fanfic? ;)

P.S. You know when our band becomes ubber famous people are going to write fanfic about us with other band boys and we will think it's awesome.

I have visions of femslash featuring me and VickyT. That would be really awesome. ::giggles::

Dec. 1st, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
i feel really bad for spence too. i mean, jon can handle this stuff. but spencer's so used to relying on jon on so many levels. like a big brother, a friend, a mentor, and... y'know, more. ;) (or so he'd like.) poor spence. :(

yay! will totes give you credit. don't know exactly what i'm going to write yet but we'll see.

dude our band is going to be so awesome. and if you read my LJ profile, you will see my stupidest dream is to have slash written about me. XD

you and vicky-t, huh? dude. HOT.
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)
I mean, realistically I want to be paired with William Beckett, but I figure there is no room for het in bandom. I'd take any of the bandom girls, but if I have to pick one, my first is VickyT. So hot.

Who are the fangirls going to slash you with you think?
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:31 am (UTC)
ahahaha. we could maybe make a het exception for you. ;) bill's practically a girl anyway so it'd be closer to femmeslash. XD

well, i'm not a real boy, so they'll probably just make fun of me and won't slash me with anyone. (yes, that is my biggest fantasy-fear. :P)
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:39 am (UTC)
Bah... you could totally get slashed with any of the boys. At least all of My Chem, most of Cobra and hell, I'd slash you with William.

Bandom would totally slash you.

I might have to start it though. Make the trend happen. Could you see that? The first slash about ourselves, written by ourselves. We would be the most awesome band kids ever!

P.S. I was singing karaoke the other night and it made me think of you. hehe.
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
I WANT TO BE SLASHED WITH PANIC, DAMN IT. :P i can never decide which one i'd be most compatible with. i feel like i'd end up clinging to spencer a lot, i feel like i'd be most comfortable with him. or possibly jon. jon is just every kind of amazing. i think honestly that brendon might drive me nuts after awhile, but there is a chance i'd fall in love with him anyway (and i'd fuck him no matter what). i feel ryan is the one i'd end up falling in love with, but it would be a mess because i know what he'd be like, he admits his own "impossible nature" and i have mine as well.

...but it's not like i've given this any actual thought or anything. :P ahem.

we seriously would be the greatest band ever. AND YAY GSF!!!!! *wink*

ahahaaha karaoke. <3
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:58 am (UTC)
So really what you are saying is you want to be part of Panic GSF? Because that's what I heard. Read. Whatever.

We need a name for our band. It's important to me. What should we call ourselves? I feel like it needs to have a bandom inside joke.
Dec. 1st, 2008 12:26 pm (UTC)
yeah that pretty much covers it. ;)

we really do, totally, inside joke. and/or phrase from one of our songs. thoughts?
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:54 pm (UTC)
I was trying to figure out how to make a band name that relates to a fic, but short of us being "PWF" I'm not sure. LOL.

Then for like five seconds, I was like "we should be Insert Band Name Here." That made me lol for a bit. ::giggles:: Our t-shirts would be epic.
Dec. 1st, 2008 02:09 pm (UTC)

we could always be "Disclaimer: Fiction".

and then a few years later we'd randomly drop the ":" and everyone would shitflip. XDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Dec. 1st, 2008 11:57 pm (UTC)
We are totally Disclaimer: Fiction.

We'll drop the : for a ; at some point and people will flip their shit. And then we'll get rid of the ; and people will flip their shit again. It'll be awesome!

Also, for purely productive and secret reasons, could I ask you a few questions? Privately?
Dec. 2nd, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
AAHAHAHAHAHAAH. we need to figure out who else is in our band, then we'll get pics of ourselves, and figure out our font/logo, and i'll make an icon, the end.

yes you could. silver_snake11@yahoo.com
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
P.S. There will be GSF fic about our band too. Just so you know. We condone it.
Dec. 1st, 2008 02:41 am (UTC)
I'm not sure I'd be able to write slash about you without masturbating. D: jkjkjk
Dec. 1st, 2008 12:27 pm (UTC)
:D dude if you wrote slash about me i would die. DIE.
Dec. 1st, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
*files that away for future reference* I think I might have a Christmas present in mind. :p
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
oh fuck i love you. LOL
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
Do you have a favorite bandom boy or do you not really care which one you get to bang? :p
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)

oh god oh god oh god no one's ever asked me this before oh god. *wrings hands* okay. it's gotta be brendon or ryan. i just. yeah.

p.s. if you really do this, i'm marrying you.
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC)
I love my messages from God icon. It brings smile and happiness to the world, just like girl scout cookies.

Ryan or Brendon. Check.

p.s. I will definitely do my best. Just. Don't hate me if it fails epically. And for the record, you get to be the total top, but mostly because I fail in trying to figure out logistics. Besides, having Ryan Ross writhe under you in pure ecstasy and knowing that it's because of your ~monster cock has got to do wonderful things for your ego. :p
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
AHAHHAAHAHAHA. dude, i can live with that.
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC)
(i can't believe i'm telling you this BUT OKAY HERE'S MY FANTASY CANON, RIGHT. ryan runs into me after a show (possibly literally), late, for some reason i was still hanging around the venue (not stalking, just there), and we talk and hit it off and he drags me to the bus to hang out with the others, and before i know it i've become their touring keyboard player. :P that's the nutshell version. god i am so lame.)
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
Touring keyboard player. Check. Ryan Ross half naked, check. I mean, what?
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:00 pm (UTC)
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
Dec. 1st, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
Oh god. This was. Honestly? It left me rather incoherent. This was absolutely painful and I can easily picture it happening. The moment they were attacked, I feared something like this and to see it written out, real or not, is so incredibly hurtful.

When they started singing Northern Downpour, I got tears in my eyes. And the idea of Spencer just giving up makes my heart hurt more than I realized. ;_;
Dec. 1st, 2008 01:52 pm (UTC)
I know... I don't want Spencer to give up, but it just feels like that's what him, or any of them would do, when faced with being alone. As if, they can survive this if they are together, but apart they aren't going to make it and there is no point in going on. :(
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
I think that's the realism in this fic (yours and Colin's). I honestly do think that the guys rely heavily on each other and that in a lot of ways, they wouldn't survive on their own. Hell, Ryan may not even be here if it wasn't for Spencer (though no one really knows for sure if Ryan's dad beat him, Ryan might have killed himself if he didn't have someone else to lean on).
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC)
in pwf canon, i don't think his dad did that. it may have happened once or twice, but it wasn't regular. life was still hella rough. i think his dad tried to kill himself more than once. that flashback from last chapter, the spyro scene, where i wrote something about "after the week he's had, back and forth from the hospital to class," i was thinking that's what happened.
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
*nods* I just meant with Ryan Ross' life in general. There's all this speculation and the abuse runs rampant in the bandom as a whole, but really, all we know is that Ryan's dad was an alcoholic and life was rough and that his dad died during The Nintendo Fusion tour. (Right? When they were touring with the Dresden Dolls, yes? Dude. My bandom history fails epically. D:)
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
right. june '06, that's all i know. it's pretty much implied canon that his dad did kill himself. :(
Dec. 1st, 2008 07:56 pm (UTC)
Drank himself to death killed himself or literally took his own life? :( Either way, I still feel intense amounts of remorse for Ryan.
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:01 pm (UTC)
literally took his own life, i think. that's how ryan implied it. :( there is an interview somewhere, idk where. i'm sure someone in fandom could find it if you asked.
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
Oh dear Christ. I just. I don't even know what to do with that. I kind of just want to hug Ryan Ross a lot.
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
i know.

but just think of all the massive bden-bearhugs he must've gotten. :)
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:13 pm (UTC)
And I bet Spencer gives the best hugs, too. He would totally take good care of Ryan Rossyface. And of course, Jon would totally give him JWalk hugs or something.
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
yessssssssss. :D
Dec. 6th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)
OMG!!!!!!! I just want to steal Spencer away and tell him everything is going to be alright!!!!!!
( 39 comments — Leave a comment )